My Confession

I haven't always believed in God, not truly believed in Him. I grew up in Kellyton, AL. I had brothers and a sister. Three of which lived with my parents and me. We were like door steps. My brother Jamie is two years younger than me, then my brother John is two years younger than him and last my sister was two years younger than John. So I grew up with boys until I was six. My older brother Jeremy was three years older than me, but did not live in our home. My mom and dad got a divorce when I was age thirteen. It didn't bother me much cause my momma let me do what ever I wanted, and with my dad out of the picture, I could go full force, and I did.

I started with small drugs at first, lived with my first boy friend at age 14. I started running with my older brother and his friends. I took pills that I didn't even know what they were. I was wild. I got married when I was 16 for the first time. The guy I married was a crack head, of course I done it with him a few times but never liked it. I tried to change him, but that didn't work. I was lead to marry him because of a situation in my life that I thought I had to get married. And here is why

When I was 15 I was dating my husband, I didn't get the attention I needed from him, but his mother loved me. After a while of living with them, me and him broke up and he's mother loved me so much that she threw him out so I could continue living there. I was so happy I had someone to love me, but boy was I wrong.

It started off her and I would do things together, go to the mall, water parks. I spent alot of time with her, she treated me like family. Then she introduced me to meth. It made me happy, I had energy, I loved it. It took all the pain away, the suffering. I remember doing it in the bathroom in a state building. Then she introduced me to the devil.

She (I am keeping names out because I don't want anyone getting mad) had a connection with a meth manufacturer. He would come over and we would talk. She and I spend a night over at his house and stayed up all night with him and his girl friend. His girlfriend was very shy, maybe even frightened (now I know why), but in my state of mind I didn't care. Then behind my soon to be mother-in-law's back we swapped numbers and I decided I was going to stay with him for a couple of days. She had no idea. I said I was going to spend time with my family. In the mean time he ran his girlfriend off.

We went to a club (remember I was only 15)on the way out he spun tires and we were pulled over. The police found the drugs in the car and took us both to jail. I went to juvenile and he went to jail. He got out and worked on getting me out. I spent two weeks and a day, and I will never forget it. I was released to my grandmother, but she couldn't contain me. I moved in with this guy. Started cooking meth. He had a friend of his over one night in Oct. It was a girl that I knew from school. He went to another room and didn't think anything about it. He was gone for a while until we stopped talking. When she left I was in big trouble.

He ask me what we were talking about, he said he heard the whole conversation and heard I was going to a party with her to meet a guy. But we had no such conversation. He was just so high that he made it up all in his head and believed it. He beat me so bad. He beat me with a fan stand until it broke into a million pieces. I screamed and cried. I couldn't believe a man so nice could do this to somebody, but he did. Afterward he apologize and said he would never do it again. So I believed him.

I stayed with him 9 months. Through beating after beating. He told me a deserved it, and I believed him. We continued making meth. On my sixteenth birthday he heated up a iron rod and stuck it between my legs, he took a blow torch to my arm, he stomped my head into concert with his boots, all for nothing. If I had on a tee shirt and lifted my arms and you could see down the sleeve, he would beat me. If one of the blinds were turned up, he said I was letting people look at me. He held a gun to my head while my mother was downstairs (she had no idea what was going on). He said if I screamed he would kill me. He busted my front tooth out with a big magnet.I was thrown off a banshee 4-wheeler going very fast and locked in a car trunk in a junk yard in the woods for hours.

I finally got away one time. A friend of his walked into the room with me and asked what had happened to me. The guy I was dating swore I was trying to hook up with his friend and told me when he left he was going to burn me alive. I knew I had to get out of there before his friend left. So I found one of the trucks outside with keys in them, but it was a stick. By the grace of God I got that car out of the yard and down the road. Then I made it to another road. I was driving 60 mph in 3rd gear when I looked up to see him on the banshee right behind me. I freaked. I went around a curve going way too fast and lost control of the truck. I was out of the truck before it stopped and screaming for help, when a person driving by picked me up before he killed me. If I wouldn't have left he would have.

I moved back home and then to Georgia. I started talking back to my soon to be husband. I moved back in with him, but all it took was one phone call. The meth head called me begging me back, and like many other times I went back. We went on vacation to the mountains. Just to prove himself he invites my mom. Everything was wonderful. He was so sweet and loving, apologizing for everything. Two days into the trip he ask my mom if she minded us going to Wal-mart. Of course by the way he was acting he had changed, he loved me, but I was wrong.

We go to Wal-mart and he starts acting funny. When we leave we don't head back to were we came from. He gave me a pill full of meth and said we were going somewhere else. He wanted to kill me, I could feel it. He beat me the whole time in the car. He stopped to turn around and I tried to jump out of the car, but he was prepared for that. He hog tied me to the inside of the car where I couldn't move my arms. He stabbed me in the arm with needle nose pliers. I was beaten so bad my eyes were closed. But God had a plan.

He wouldn't let me get out of the car, so I had no chance of running. But God showed up. I started my period. And him being a typical man didn't want to purchase the things I needed, so he let me in a store. I was a ugly sight. My hair was caked in blood. I was wearing sunglasses that he made me wear to cover my black eyes, but there was no covering the rest. I had to think fast. I got the things I went in for to throw him off. I got in line to pay for it, and I was whispering to the clerk that I needed help. I turned to see my worst nightmare, Him, the devil in the flesh. I tried to run behind the corner but the clerk ran me out. The devil (as I now call him) ran cause he didn't want to risk jail. Let me remind you this is days later and the cops are looking for him for kidnapping me. He took me across the East from state to state. I ran to the shop next to the store screaming for help. Thank God these guys felt bad for me. They guarded me with their lives, and he did return to finish me off, but they got him before he could. He escaped.I was so nervous and full of meth. I was running around like a chicken with it head cut off. They got the fire department up to check me out, they took me to the hospital.

Needless to say I never went back to him. This is just some of the many stories in my life. I just wanted you all to know where I came from. I married because they were going to put me in a girls home. So the only way out was being an adult, and marrying was the way out. We didn't stay married long. Maybe six months and I had to get away from his crack habit. I was broken, worthless, and I needed someone.

God told me to share my story, I had a whole other blog I had planned on writing, but when I sat down, God said show them they can change too. I wanted it out, but I didn't think I was ready, but He was. I love my dear Jesus. I can truly say he found me and changed me to who I am today. I'm still not perfect, but it gets better and better everyday. I don't want you to pity me, I want you to learn that anyone can change, no matter what you have been through. God is my witness.